Everyday is a new day, but your past will always be your past

 This morning im sitting here listening to Nirvana's song " something in the way " and yet i still get chill's up and down my spine. Because that was the song that was playing on the black hawk my first hit " shot of heroin" , and that was the song that was playing my last shot of " white china" or " Afghan gold " that i shot up. I've come to realize  that  one of the main reasons that i kept relapsing  was because once i got clean and sober,  my past was harder to let go than i thought it would be. And at the time i thought over and over in my head " was i that bad of a person ? " but the whole thing with addiction is that it is an  illness not a god given right .... yeah you make a choice to use and abuse substances but at the end of the day, when you're addicted  to drugs or alcohol your completely and utterly  helpless to what ever your using and abusing. But how do you get that far? easily, just have the same up bringing that i have an the will to please everyone else other than yourself first. And yet still feel empty. But yet to this day i still have a lot of guilt from the past, especially when it comes to my children and my husband....  as a wife and a mom, you prioritize , such as you make sure that they have their needs meet before yours. But at the same time.... were they at priority while i was using? That's what i ask myself everyday.