Soldiers as a recoveing herion addicted

I figured id start of telling y'all a little bit about my self, I grew up in Appomattox Virginia. And was raised in a very conservative yet highly dysfunctional house hold, neither my mom nor daddy drank or did drugs so i was the black sheep in the family....... i was the oldest of 9 siblings so you could say it wont much for me to be the leader by example. Anyways, i always " fucked up " some how with my father, he was a former military guy himself, which treated his children with the same standards, which is very unethical and unfair for a young lady growing up feeling always like a disappointment to everyone, and huge fucking failer  is what my daddy would call me on a daily basis. So at age 14 is was a full blow bulimic and go down to 95 lbs begging for someone to except me, but me a fool, naive to society and how the world was all i knew is i wasn't one of them. So i was believe it or not i was a goody two shoes country girl until i was 17 and my dad said that my shitty no respect attitude was shape or ship out i went into the Army. Didn't have a clue of what the real world was like, you want to use the term " shell shocked " as a way to describe my reaction to fighting for a country i had no clue about. I had my first drink at age 18 right before my first deployment to Iraq and saw the unforgivable , what most humans states side couldn't even use there imagination with there naked eyes. I had saw 2 of my best friends take there last breaths in my arms and i remember it like it was yesterday. There airways filling up with blood and be fighting back tears trying to comfort a dyeing soldier was easier said than done.
         Came back to the states after a 14 month deployment and came back a changed person, not wanting to be around anyone, not family nor friends, i was drinking the pain away hoping that one of these days i could wake up and forget all about the horrific images that i had to witness. Then i got ready for deployment #2 to Iraq, but this time i had a urging to be numb this time around. And the perfect thing that i could ever asked for came over to me , Afghan Heroin 95% pure heroin. My first Lt. Asked me if i wasn't to try some, and i was like " what will it do? i don't  do drugs and barely drink" and he looked at me with kind eyes and said " SGT. it will make you feel like instant bliss, euphoria, makes all the pain go away, you'll like it just try it " so i took it, he held my arm and shot me up, and i remember feeling this instant feeling like everything was going to be alright. A fucking false sense of well being, and way couldn't tell the difference from reality or from fiction, but i felt like i had sold my sole to the devil , and because i felt alone, it was even more of a motivation to keep me at its mercy....... and when you come down from it like in 12 hours the old army expression " monkey on your back " expression couldn't of been more accurate. I would do just about anything for another shot, what ever it took , just so i didn't have to face reality a bitter bitch of  fucking truth, and soldier will die for there fellow man , die for there country. But i was willing to die for heroin.